Voodoo Archive 1

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An Internet Interlude

Posted by Bootlegger on 27 May 1998, at 8:16 p.m.

CHARACTERS: AH (ALEXANDER HAMILTON), BOBBIT, COUNTERS

SCENE: A small bulletin board service where the main subject is blackjack. It is mostly inhabited by card counters who enjoy discussing the ins and outs of their favorite game.

AH: Let me lead you all into the promised land! Counting cards is not the way to win at blackjack. No my friends, it is DISCIPLINE, and MONEY MANAGEMENT, and LOSS LIMITS, and WIN GOALS that will bring you the cash. Lend me an ear and I will reveal to you the secrets of winning at blackjack.

COUNTERS: We don't believe you. We are using a mathematically proven system that has been working for us for 35 years. Can you prove your system?

AH: Oh ye of little faith! How can you be so misguided? No, things like PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT and SHORT TERM GOALS are what wins the money in blackjack. Mathematics has nothing to do with it. 99% of the people who use math are LOSERS! I know, because I have vast experience, more than all of the rest of you put together. I only play in the finest of casinos and the pit bosses and casino management people fall all over themselves giving me the utmost attention. Let me show you the way.

COUNTERS: Well we still don't believe you. Show us what you've got.

BOBBIT: I am knowing a system too. Counters are just little heads and math boys. #$@^& Pfft!

COUNTER: OK, if you can stop insulting us long enough, show us what you've got.

BOBBIT: Wannabes! %&*@# You just see and wait. I'll show you. Have patience you little players!

AH: Oh look at what you've done to poor little Bobbit. You have wounded him deeply. You all must have deep personality problems. You can't see the forest for the trees. You are all a bunch of losers! I am the only one with the truth, along with my little buddy, the deeply hurt Bobbit.

COUNTERS: Just explain how you do it and stop already with the B.S.

BOBBIT: You stupid little head wannabes! Only AH and me know the truth and I am not telling you. I will leave this room forever, never to return.

BOBBIT: Pfffft! You stupid %$#@*& wannabes!

AH: Only I know the answers. They will be revealed in time to all of you know-it-all losers.

COUNTERS: We've heard enough. What is your plan?

BOBBIT: Wannabes. Take that! ^*&#@))$. There. I showed you!

AH: My plan involves STRATEGY, GOALS, MONEY MANAGEMENT, PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT and SELF-KNOWLEDGE. I have 38 years of experience. How can you doubt me? Don't you understand that capitalized words must be the truth? Be patient and I will reveal all.

COUNTERS: SHOW US YOUR METHOD!

BOBBIT: Stupidheads! Math boys! I'm a genius! Can't you tell by my @#$%! posts? Wannabes!

AH: I can no longer bear with your insults! How dare you question me? Just for that, I'm not going to reveal my system!

BOBBIT: Yeah, right on AH! That's what I did too! These $%&*@ wannabes don't deserve us! Math boys!

AH: Ah, my dear little Bobbit. It is sad but true. Clearly our wisdom and intelligence is beyond this group of losers. They only know one answer. They believe 2+2 only equals 4! I could show them that it equals 5, but I'm not going to now.

BOBBIT: Pfffft! Stupid @#$%^&* little head wannabes! I'm going away never to return!

BOBBIT: !@#$%&

BOBBIT: (*&$#@

BOBBIT: Idiots! @#%$&*

COUNTERS: ??????

(FADE INTO BLACK)


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